The Great Wall

So, I had a thought the other day. Once upon a time, when cinema was just a wee thing, but growing fast, ‘epics’ were 4-hour long masterpieces/monstrosities (whichever way works for you) that were just filled with drama and action and everything monumental. Nowadays, an epic can be condensed into just over an hour and a half! But for many, these are not true epics: they merely have the aesthetic of one. Matt Damon’s newest action movie is a prime example. 

A group of Westerners brave the deserts of Asia, which are incidentally swarming with bandits that pick them off until it’s Damon and a companion left, in search of fabled black powder. On the road, they get attacked by a mysterious beastie and find themselves at the doors of the Great Wall of China. Starting their stay as prisoners, the tables turn when Matt shows off his mad archery skills during a battle with beasties and volunteers to help the army rid their country of these horrors once and for all. 

To be fair, this is not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but there’s a shit-ton to bitch about in it. Of course the major concern is the ‘White saviour complex’ the movie has in spades, something that my friend fakegamerb0y has written about (more coherently and intelligently than I can). 

The story is a major call for suspension of belief: after centuries of fighting, the creatures manage to break through the Great Wall, which was built to keep them out, but never fear Matt Damon is here with his ‘amazing archery skills’ and magic magnet! 

Ignoring the whole ‘white man saves Asia’ thing, there is so much wrong and boring with Damon’s character. He’s meant to be a bad guy, which I have never seen Damon do, who suddenly decides to change tact and become a good guy by helping fight the monsters. The film’s ‘drama’ comes in the ‘falling out’ he has with his partner in crime (which is highly predictable and stupid) as well as the connection he has with the army’s (female) general. 

Story-wise, there’s a load of ‘ugh’ on every level, but it’s made worse (if you can imagine) when set against the action sequences and conflicting costumes and weaponry. 

Our white men would look out of place in any century really, wielding a collection of weapons that seem to come from all over the world and all over time. 

And while the action and special effects that take place on the Great Wall are cool, they are very jarring in terms of time. I still don’t know when this movie was meant to have taken place! At one point, giant blades come out of the Wall, reminding me heavily of the blades in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade (the penitent man is humble before God so as to avoid being sliced like sandwich meat by blades that definitely would not have existed thousands of years ago). 

On a more positive note, the action sequences were big, choreographed well, and pretty exciting, all things considered. The armour of the Chinese army was gorgeous, though again a bit stagnant and conflicting as to its era. And the monsters were relatively impressive, though what happens in the end is a bit of a “what the….” moment with no reality in it at all. 

Yeah, The Great Wall is terrible, but laughably terrible and makes for a good popcorn movie. While the story is clichéd and practically non-existent, the action, the ‘epic aesthetic’ and special effects still stimulate the brain and manage to draw out a bit of excitement and adrenaline so there is still an experience to be had in watching this movie. 

My advice: if you’re interested in seeing it, do it on a cheap Tuesday and don’t walk in with the expectation of amazing acting, incredible writing, or anything complex. Grab a large tub of popcorn and just sit and stare mindlessly. That is how you watch The Great Wall. 

Starring: Matt Damon, Tian Jing, Willem Dafoe, Andy Lau, Hanya Zhang, Lu Han, Pedro Pascal, Kenny Lin, Eddie Peng, Xuan Huang, Ryan Zheng, and Karry Wang 

Rated: M