Creature From the Haunted Sea [G]

Amidst the revolts happening in Cuba are many shady meetings that seek to arrange various smugglings. One such meeting sees an American gangster agree to smuggle a group of Caribbean exiles and their national treasury to a safe haven, with the secret agenda of killing the exiles and making off with the gold. The plan is to use a local legend of a vicious sea monster as a cover up for the murders, but things go pear-shaped when the gangster and his crew discover that the legend is true. 

I have to say that this movie stands up in the company of Plan 9 From Outer Space as one of the stupidest films in cinematic history. I can’t quite decide whether it was deliberately bad or really trying. Whilst the story itself has great potential for a classic horror flick, it’s ruined in this movie by the screwy performances, un-atmospheric soundtrack, and ridiculousness of the creature itself. This is, without a doubt, boundlessly, one of the stupidest films that I have ever seen! 

Amidst the revolts happening in Cuba are many shady meetings that seek to arrange various smugglings. One such meeting sees an American gangster agree to smuggle a group of Caribbean exiles and their national treasury to a safe haven, with the secret agenda of killing the exiles and making off with the gold. The plan is to use a local legend of a vicious sea monster as a cover up for the murders, but things go pear-shaped when the gangster and his crew discover that the legend is true. 

I’ve seriously wasted over an hour of my life. I’ll never get that back! What begins as an intriguing noir secret agent infiltration story soon escalates into one of haphazard murder, flawed gangster plots, island romance (which is where I got completely lost), and finally, B or even C grade horror movie hilarity (more or less). 

I would like to believe that the fact that an animation sequence is used during the beginning chunk of voice-over narration and exposition is to be taken as a sign that this movie is not meant to be taken seriously and is really just a group of clever writers taking a satiric stab at the genre, but somehow I can’t quite convince myself of this. There’s a certain level of sincerity in this movie that causes me to question, well, everything about it. 

The story itself is actually kind of cool and has good, solid potential. But unfortunately this tiny ember of redemption gets bogged down by the camp and jazzy soundtrack, the combination of wooden and then massively flaccid performances (not to mention the fact that it feels like no one on screen is even trying), and finally the creature itself, which has to be the least scary thing in existence. A growling badger or a baby hippopotamus with its mouth open ready to charge would be scarier than this thing! It’s obviously some guy with flippers in a furry turd costume that has garbage bag strips stapled on to be tentacles or something. And two big chewed-up-gum eyes that have been hit with a magic marker right in the centre! Historically NOT scary, not even funny, just “wtf!?” 

Starring Anthony Carbone, Betsy Jones-Moreland, Robert Towne, Beach Dickerson, Robert Bean, Esther Sandoval, Sonia Naomi Gonzalez, Blanquita Romero, and Edmundo Rivera Alvarez, Creature From the Haunted Sea sits as one of the stupidest films in cinematic history. Having said all this, I’ve just realised that it’s a film by Roger Corman who was responsible for The Little Shop of Horrors, but that still doesn’t redeem it in any way: it just provides a glimmer of justification for the ridiculousness I guess. Filled with romance, secrets, betrayal, murder, and one unscary monster, this is not a movie that I’m going to waste any more precious time on. Ever.